Why hello there, life suckage.

I'm not doing too well. Besides the thing with my aunt, which I am mostly watching helplessly as people send me updates over Skype, I am trying to find a job and an apartment while I write my dissertation. It's not going well.

Oh, I do have appointments for apartment viewings lined up. But they all want four or five references and I just don't have the ability to give them references from my current employer or landlord, because I don't have either of those. So I'm going to have to ask them if they'll take references from the school and from my parents' employers (my parents did offer; they don't want me moving home any more than I want to move home) but that just doesn't make me look good.

And a job. Oh my God. I cannot find a job that pays me enough to live on and doesn't violate the terms of my visa. The problem is that I can't be in a permanent position while I'm on a student visa; it has to be a temporary one, and there just aren't that many of those. And even though I am quite happy to work in a bookstore or whatever, or just work two or three part-time jobs for a few months until I have my visa changed and can have a permanent position, the economy is so bad with all the store closures that no one is hiring. This is not good; I can't afford to stay here if I can't mostly support myself. There are some temp agencies that I will try as a last resort, but I don't know how steady an income I will be able to get if I do that.

So...this is all very worrying. I have seriously considered giving up and moving home. It would make sense - the decision to stay in England is a stupid one in a lot of ways. There are so many ways it could go horribly wrong, because immigration here, while not as soul-crushingly awful as in America, is extremely difficult. But, ultimately, I know that if I give up and move home, I will spend all my time regretting it and trying to think of ways to get back here, and at that point it will be even more expensive and impossible. So, even though it feels expensive and impossible now, this is the easiest it will ever be, so I may as well stay and struggle through. I can't help but wish I weren't trying to write a dissertation and worry about a family member at the same time, though.