My dad just forwarded me a horrible e-mail. It said, in essence, that my aunt (my dad's sister), who has had Lou Gehrig's disease for more than ten years, is probably going to die. Evidently, the rough estimate is that she has approximately two weeks left, probably less.
It's not a surprise, really. My parents made sure to take me to see her last September before I left, and they told me then that they were doing it because they didn't think she would be around very much longer, and they didn't know when I would be coming back again. And she has been getting worse all year - my parents send me updates, and her health has just been spiraling downwards.
It's just that I feel so horribly, horribly guilty, and so helpless. Helpless because I'm over here and I can't get over there, and it's the first time I've really resented it. And because - what am I supposed to do? Should I e-mail her? What would I say? "I'm sorry you've been in hell for the past ten years, I'm sorry I could only talk to you once or twice a year, I'm sorry it hurts, I'm sorry you're dying"? It isn't like when my grandparents and great-grandfather died - by the time they died they were so far gone it was a relief for them. They were so sick they weren't aware. She is. She's in pain and on drugs and her body has turned to crap and she can only communicate by wiggling her eyebrows but she's still all there and completely aware. She must be terrified. What do you say? Do you say anything? I don't know. I wish someone could tell me what to do. I wish I could know that in ten years I won't still feel guilty for whatever I decide to do right now.
And I feel so guilty already, like I've already blown it. Because I knew when I came over here that she was probably going to die, but I was so preoccupied with feeling stupid and terrified and trying to keep up with everyone else and not lose my mind that I hardly e-mailed. I did, a couple of times. But I could have done more. I should have. And once you get an e-mail saying someone is dying it's impossible to think of things to say to them. It seems completely idiotic to talk about what I normally would, yammer on and on about my dissertation and my visa and my life when the person I'm saying it to is going to die. But what else do you talk about? You can't talk about them either.
I don't know what to do.
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2 comments:
Awww, that seriously sucks. If she has visitors, perhaps you could write her a letter? They could read it to her, and it would be a tangible memory, if that makes any sense.
It does. It's probably what I'll end up doing; my parents and brother are going to visit her this weekend, so they can read it to her. I think it would mean more than an e-mail.
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