No, thank you. No, really. Get away from me!

So, this doctor thing. I remember why I don't do this more often. I suppose I do genuinely need to get get looked at, but I'm feeling less than enthusiastic. I wanted to send my mother to our new doctor first, and she wants to send me, and I lost the battle because I don't have all year to sit around and wait, but the cheerful receptionist would not let me just escape with my vaccines and now I have to have a full physical and an examination of my girly bits (I talked her out of bloodwork because I have to go running before the appointment, and I will pass out if I don't eat, but it was a close call). I don't want to. I have never met this doctor, but I can already tell you how this is going to go:

First, I will get to hear about how I am too fat and I'm going to drop dead in ten years if I don't lose enough to be able to cram myself into a size 4. (As if I want to be a size 4. It's much harder to get people to leave you alone if you're a size 4.) Naturally, I will not mention the part about how I have lost 46 pounds since August, but will sit there fuming and thinking, "Bitch, I can outrun you!" She will then do her examination and find out that I am healthier than she is, but will not amend her previous statement. I will vow to never see another doctor as long as I live.

Then I will get The Dreaded Girly Parts Exam. I'm really not sure why I'm having this done, as I was dragged to one exam several years ago in which the last doctor my mom got in a fight with found that I was entirely normal. I have yet to do anything that would ruin the pristine state of Area 51, but I agreed to have it done on the off chance that she needs to establish that I have not contracted HPV before vaccinating me against it. (I'm really not sure why I'm getting the HPV vaccine in the first place. I only really have two reasons - I have to have it done before I'm 26, so I may as well get it over with before I vanish into the wilds of England and never return. Also, even though there is no need for it in my case, I'd advise a friend in my position to get it done, so not doing it myself would make me a big fat hypocrite. These are not good reasons, so I will not mention them.)

Then, with any luck, I will get my shots and leave and never return. I will have my other two HPVs done in some walk-in clinic on Cape Cod, and my mother will hear my report and decide never to visit this new doctor. Everyone wins! Except that I have said goodbye to a large chunk of my Thursday morning, and I will spend the rest of the day in bed rewatching The Barchester Chronicles and sulking and completely failing to look over my German textbook before my exam, so I guess I kind of lose.