David has a girlfriend. A real one, who he met in real life and has actually spoken to. I don't know what happened to WOW girl and I don't care. I don't talk about his life unless he suddenly makes it relevant to mine, which he has lately. Repeatedly and with no mercy whatsoever.
The problem is, he keeps asking me things about her. Not awkward and scarring things, thank God, but mysterious and perplexing things. Things like, "What should I get her for Christmas?" "What should I do for Valentine's Day?" and, this morning, "Her birthday is coming up. What should I do?"
Dude, I don't know. I am the very last person in the world you should be asking about relationships, as I have never had one and really shouldn't anyway, given that some days I think I am only pretending to be a woman. I may be the least romantic person in the world. If a man gave me roses, it would only piss me off, as it would mean he wasn't paying attention. If he gave me a book on recognizing leprosy in the archaeological record, I would probably sleep with him.
Unfortunately, I know perfectly well that David has even less of a clue than I do, and his only other option is to ask our mother, and just thinking about that makes me die a little inside from sympathetic embarrassment, so I do the best I can. But I feel like this poor girl deserves better than I can do. I haven't even met her and I like her. She gave David a copy of the Silmarillion for his birthday (a book! That he will actually read! If he doesn't marry her, we should adopt her) and apparently her celebrity crush is James Dean, so obviously she has better taste than I do (I have to be drunk before I can even think about thinking about my current celebrity crush, it's that bad. They keep going downhill. Stupid hormones.) And she is dating my brother, who is getting his relationship advice from a girl who spends her Friday nights in her room, reading forensic taphonomy textbooks. When I meet her, I feel like the first thing I should do is apologize.
So, yeah. David can cook (the men in my family can cook, and the women generally can't, although I am very good at spice cookies and rum balls) so, as a general rule, I told him to make her dinner. Presents, though? I don't even know. I mean, if you bring me books I am thrilled, but apparently most people don't like that, so I'm kind of at a loss. I think for Christmas I told him to get her a pashmina and some Thorton's chocolate, and at that point I had exhausted my repertoire of generic "girly" presents. The best I remember being able to do for Valentine's Day was "no jewelry, but no stuffed animals either," so I have no idea what happened, but if they are still dating, it can't have been too bad. This morning David, probably sensing that I am running out of ideas, suggested that he could get her a James Dean poster, and I couldn't think of any reason why not. But then he said he wanted to get her a DVD, too, and I have to wonder if he's ever even looked at my DVD collection, because I sure wouldn't trust me to pick out a decent movie. I own Radioland Murders, the 1997 horror version of Snow White, and the Dinotopia miniseries, for heaven's sake. My parents won't even watch any movie I bring them without looking it up first.
This is why I feel we should get to choose our siblings, because it is totally unfair that David should be stuck asking me for advice about these things. He could have a nice, normal sister, one who bothered to learn the generally accepted relationship rules and who knows what movies other girls like. Instead, he has me. Tragic.
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