Stuffed Animals

So it occurred to me this evening that I haven't sent my cousin's tragically named child a present yet. I asked my mom what I should do, and she said they have a gift registry at Babies 'R Us, but that most of the stuff I can afford has already been bought. Then, she told me that there was not a single stuffed animal on the list, and I was totally shocked. Dude, a stuffed animal is the first thing you need! The first thing I got when I was born was a little brown teddy bear, from my grandparents. I still have it. So, obviously, the kid needs a stuffed animal, especially since I can totally afford one. To Amazon!

Okay, I was totally cheated on the stuffed animals when I was little. Did you know they have narwhals now? And African wild dogs? And pteranodons? And California condors? It's so unfair. I had, like, 20 variations on the teddy bear, and some cats, and a bunch of dogs (the dogs I liked, of course - "doggie" was actually my first word, go me), and some random things from Disney movies, and a couple of wolves, and a dolphin, and an orca. I seem to remember a triceratops, too. I would have killed for a narwhal. That would have been the coolest thing ever when I was five. It may still be the coolest thing ever. I demand awesome stuffed animals for myself!

I couldn't get any of these for Tragically Named Child, unfortunately. All the best ones had wires in them, or unsafe things like that. I got him a floppy chocolate lab (dogs > teddy bears). And now I wish I had an excuse to buy these cool stuffed animals FOR MYSELF.

(I did feel dumb typing the kid's name into the gift card. I didn't think any real-life name could be worse than "Albus Severus," and yet...this one may be. I'm sure the Amazon employees will laugh, and I will not blame them. This kid is going to spend his entire high school career prying himself out of lockers unless he learns to fight dirty.)