Yes, I realize it's only been 18 weeks

I can't remember if I've mentioned this here before, but I've decided to stay in England after I finish the master's program here. I'd like to do a PhD at some point, but it won't be next year because I won't have anything worth applying with until I finish my dissertation this summer, if that makes any sense, so I'm going to have to take at least another year off. I refuse to go back home. My parents asked me what I was intending to do on my year off, and I basically grabbed the nearest stationary object and shrieked "I'M NOT LEAVING ENGLAND!" (not really, but almost) so I guess I will be getting a post-study work visa and spending a year working and applying to PhD programs. (Nothing had better go wrong with my brilliant plan, or I'll be devastated - I still have an irrational fear of failing out, because I've been getting B's instead of all A's. No, I don't like the way my brain works either.) I've actually looked into getting citizenship here - I can apply for permanent right to settle after two years here, and full citizenship after five. It's all rather sad that I've looked into this already, but I would like to point out that at least I haven't lost my shit completely and decided to do this for some boy.

My parents have apparently told the rest of my family, and they don't like it. Reactions range from "She wants to be an EX-PAT?" (grandfather) to "Don't worry, I'm pretty sure this is just a phase" (aunt and uncle, mom's side). Actually my parents seem really proud of my declaration that I am staying here, which is why they told me all this while laughing, so I'm not sure why everyone seems to think "it's just a phase" is a comforting thing to say. I actually kind of miss my cousin - you know, the one I wrote about earlier, the one I am completely incompatible with - because I'm pretty sure her reaction would be "That's awesome!"

I kind of think - well, the situational irony here is amazing. I only ended up here because I was in a very prolonged snit over not getting into any master's programs for art, and basically said "Well, FINE, then. I'll go off and do grad work in a new department, a BETTER department. Screw you all." I deliberately applied for a one-year program so I would be able to leave if I hated it here. I was fully prepared to hate it here. I was sick to my stomach for a month beforehand over the thought of how much I would probably hate it here. I'm not really sure what happened, only that this is the first place where I've ever been happy even when I'm having a terrible day or getting B's on all my midterms. Now the thought of leaving makes me sick to my stomach. I have no idea what I'm going to do next year or where I'm going to live and I don't care so long as I get to stay here.

I've already had the "think about what you're giving up" conversation with my parents. Yes, it will be harder for me to buy my own house, which I really want to do, although I haven't come up with a good reason why (mostly so I can line the living room with bookshelves and not have to listen to anyone say "You brought home more books? What is wrong with you?"). Yes, I have already experienced the joys of Amazon Marketplace because that movie I wanted is not going to be released here. Yes, I realize I will always be "the American" because I am never going to get rid of my accent. Yes, everything is more expensive here and finding a dentist is a nightmare and socialized medicine is terrifying. Yes, I have said goodbye to decent sushi and guacamole. Yes, I am leaving New York all the way over there where I can't get to it, which is awful. It's entirely possible that in a year or three I will say "My God, what was I thinking?" and flee back to America. I don't know. I just know that I can't stand the thought of leaving here in September, so I have no choice but to make plans to stay.

This also means I can stop feeling guilty about buying so many books.